Hitting or biting can leave you upset, embarrassed and worried about the next playdate. In the moment, the first task is to stop anyone being hurt. The teaching can come afterwards, when your toddler has a better chance of taking it in.
Move close and make space
Calmly separate the children and attend to the child who has been hurt. Use a short boundary: “I will not let you hit. Hitting hurts.” Get help with any injury as needed. Avoid a long explanation while children are distressed.
Action for Children’s advice on hitting and biting recommends a calm response, caring for the hurt child and teaching another way to communicate. Hitting or biting back does not teach the behaviour you want.
Describe the action without labelling the child
“You bit when you wanted the truck” names something that happened. “You are a biter” makes it sound like who the child is. Keep your words focused on safety and the next helpful action.
Your toddler may also need comfort once everybody is safe. Comfort and a firm boundary can happen together. You can acknowledge “You really wanted that toy” while making clear that hurting another person is not allowed.
Practise one replacement in a calm moment
Choose something your child can actually do. That may be saying “help”, using a gesture, moving beside you or pointing to a picture. Rehearse it briefly through play rather than asking for a promise never to do it again.
For example, make two toy animals want the same block. Model one animal getting an adult’s help. Keep the practice simple and light. If a repair is appropriate later, help your child offer something practical, such as bringing a tissue, without forcing affection or an apology performance.
Look for the pattern around the incident
Notice what happened just before: a crowded space, a long wait, a toy being taken or a difficult transition. This is information for prevention, not proof of one cause. You might stay closer during a particular game, reduce the wait or provide another activity.
Share observations with nursery or other carers so the response is consistent. If incidents are frequent, severe, difficult to manage safely or come with concerns about communication or development, ask your health visitor or GP for support. You do not need to wait until everyone is exhausted to ask. One clear safety response and one teachable next step are a useful place to begin.
Put it into practice
Use our free resource: Hitting and biting: a safety and next-step plan to choose a small next step. Keep the parts that suit your family and adapt the rest.
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