You hear shouting from the next room and each child has a different account of who started it. You do not always need to settle the entire history to deal with what is happening now. Begin with safety, then help the children understand the problem that needs solving.
Stop the hurt before investigating
Move close. If somebody is being hurt, separate the children calmly and care for the child who needs help. “I will not let you hit” is clearer than calling across the room for everyone to behave. Save detailed questions until they can answer without another shouting match.
The NSPCC’s guidance on family anger and conflict encourages calm responses, reflection and support for siblings affected by another child’s anger. A child’s feelings deserve attention even when you also need to address their behaviour.
Hear the children without making them compete
Give each child space to explain, separately if that works better. Ask what happened and what they need now. Avoid deciding that the younger child must be innocent or the older one should always know better.
You can acknowledge different experiences: one child wanted company, while another wanted their drawing left alone. Understanding both does not make damaging the drawing acceptable. It helps identify the boundary that was missing or ignored.
Solve the repeatable part
Look for a practical rule linked to the problem. A shelf could protect unfinished models. A shared device could have agreed turns. A child who wants to join a game could practise asking first and accepting that the answer may be “later”.
Ask for suggestions, then help choose one realistic arrangement. “Never argue again” is too large. “Ask before taking something from this desk” gives everyone something they can recognise and practise.
Make repair possible without forcing closeness
When calm, help the child who caused harm consider what would put something right. They might help rebuild, replace a damaged item in an age-appropriate way or give the other child space. An apology can matter, but a forced hug is not a substitute for respecting a boundary.
Do not treat persistent intimidation, fear or repeated harm as ordinary squabbling. Seek support from an appropriate professional or the NSPCC if one child is unsafe. For everyday disagreements, review whether your new arrangement reduces the recurring problem. Your job is to help children live safely together, not make them enjoy every moment of sharing a home.
Put it into practice
Use our free resource: Sibling disagreement: our boundary and repair plan to choose a small next step. Keep the parts that suit your family and adapt the rest.
